Peer pressure and toxic relationships

Peer Pressure

and Toxic Relationships

Excerpt from


The Toxic Relationship Self-help Kit:


Love them, but LEAVE them

By Maria Mar(c)2009

Terrified Tweeter jumped from
branch to branch, tweeting as hard as she could. Her friends, scared of the
terrible danger that the small bird announced, stayed safely at a distance.

They admired Tweeter’s courage. Such a tiny bird, staying on the same tree
as that mean predator, Haughty Hawk. What courage! Small as she was,
Terrified Tweeter was relentless. Her tweets were so loud that her whole
body shook with their resonance.

Meanwhile Hawk sat on a steady
branch at the other side of the Ancient Tree, meditating. But it was hard to
meditate with all the racket that the tiny bird was creating. Haughty Hawk
was annoyed. Why was the bird so scared now, when they had co-existed
peacefully for years?

“I thought she was my friend,”

Haughty Hawk reflected. “Go figure these tiny tweeters. They are always
scared.”

Haughty Hawk had also been
scared as it grew up in the noisy city, with the Two-legged predators so
nearby. But now that she was meditating and learning the Ways of the
Warrior, she had chosen to live without fear. She had learned to empty her
mind and visualize her desires, and she had grown strong and confident.

But the more confident Haughty
Hawk grew, the louder Terrified Tweetie squeaked each time Hawk came close.
She had managed to scare all the other birds, who disappeared the minute
Haughty Hawk perched in any of the Ancient Trees around.

Haughty Hawk began to feel more
than resentful. She became angry.

“Perhaps I should give her
reason to tweet,” Haughty Hawk considered, her trained eye gauging the
distance between the scared bird and her branch. In a split second, she
could have the naughty bird in her beak, and she could then meditate in
silence.

Haughty Hawk caught herself in
her fantasies of revenge and released her toxic feelings with a sigh. She
dived her Inner Eye deep into her heart. There she saw and felt the
pain that her new loneliness inflicted. She was sad that her tiny friends
would distrust her after all this time.

Haughty Hawk remembered when
she had caught them murmuring behind her back.

“She says that she is
harnessing power,” they nervously tweeted.

“What could she possibly want
to do with all that power, except eat us all?” they squeaked.

Haughty Hawk smiled sadly. She
remembered when she, too was scared of the great Eagle, the large Hunter
Hawks and the daring Crows. She had felt so small that she had not
understood her own power. She had, like her tiny friends, thought of power
only as a threat, not something she held inside for her own fulfillment.

“Oh, well, tweets will be
tweets!” Hawk finally said to herself. “And I am a Master Warrior.”

She gracefully flew to a near
lamppost and began her concentration again. She was visualizing one of the
fat rats that were coming out of the ground during the construction that the
Two-Legged were doing in the street below.

But Terrified Tweeter didn’t
get it. She still tweeted as if her feathers had caught fire. Nothing
stirred among the Ancient Trees. Nothing moved in miles around. The scared
tweet was doing a great job of scaring all possible prey.

As I looked at this scene, the
beautiful white spotted hawk flew towards a distant tree. I couldn’t get my
eyes off her majestic, silent flight. Still terrified, the small tweeter
squeaked behind my back.

As you read the fable above, were you immediately sympathetic with the small bird, seeing her as the hero and hawk as the bad guy? That is our collective tendency. We instinctively seek justice. But we cannot make true justice if we confuse power with dominance. For if we do, we will be manipulated by those who play the victim and we will repel and punish those who stand in their power. This confusion is at the heart of toxic relationships.

Power as defined by our patriarchal system, is control and dominance. But that is only an illusion of power. When we believe this illusion, we reject power. When we reject power, we align ourselves with helplessness. We make those with personal power our enemies. We repel mentors, teachers and those friends and peers who assume their power. In other words, we become toxic to those who seek freedom, joy and growth.

When we align ourselves with powerlessness, we are afraid to speak with our voice of authority. We place an interrogation mark at the end of our declarations and beat around the bush to speak our truth. We constrict our bodies and our voices. We dream tiny and stay safely perched in our Comfort Zone.

If you have courageously stepped out of that Comfort Zone, you may
unknowingly be facing peer pressure.

We tell our children not to give in to peer pressure. But many adults are clueless as to the level of peer pressure they carry on their Psychic
Shoulders
. As a result, they give in to peer pressure, betraying their
Personal Dreams and their spiritual growth.

Children and teens are more direct on their peer pressure tactics. They may result to insults or name-calling. Adults are more subtle. Friends will distance themselves. Peers will murmur behind your back. Family members will close ranks and mount a campaign to wear or break you down. Because they know you well, they know your Breaking Points. They will go for these weak areas in your psyche. This emotional and psychic attack that can undermine your motivation and your energy level.

When you feel that the people you love resist your growth or sabotage your dreams you feel sad, betrayed, resentful, revengeful, angry and lonely. If you are afraid of confrontation and used to the lies of the dysfunctional family, you may join their betrayal by excusing their behavior and going back to your learned limits of perception.

Is it a wonder, then, that many of us go back on our personal growth and give up on our dreams?

If you dream big, you are big. Once you acknowledge your personal power and reclaim your personal authority, you soon find yourself among the Majestic Swans, the Great Eagles, the Master Hunter Hawks and Daring Crows.

Those whom you left behind will tweet loudly and persistently.

“Change back! Change back!” they will squeak.

Perhaps they will not be as raucous as Terrified Tweeter. Perhaps they will give you the silent treatment or the cold shoulder.

What will you do then? What have you done?

Have you given up on your new friends? Have you given up on your new dreams? Have you drowned your desires deep inside yourself? Have you gone back to the humdrum of a life without passion?

It is important for you to recognize the peer pressure tactics of the adults around you. Find the best way to address the fears of your family and peers. If it is possible, bring them into the open. If not, give them special love and attention to ensure them that you still love them and they have nothing to fear.

You also need to recognize your sadness and allow yourself to grieve for your past life. These are growing pains. Every woman and man who has achieved something great ―whether a new discovery that changed humanity or a state of personal fulfillment― has gone through these growing pains. Use the Time Traveling Exercise at the end of this chapter to address your growing pains.

Be firm, however, in your new boundaries, dreams and lifestyle. Above all, do not allow the fear of those in your past to bring down your vibration.

Big dreams require a high vibrational level. The changes you are making in your life are changing your vibrational frequency, so that you can tolerate a higher vibration and can manifest and live in your dream.

Those who cannot tolerate the high vibrational frequency of freedom,
courage, confidence, power, joy and passion may squeak warning signals to you. They may project their own fears or limiting beliefs. They will poke your Breaking Points, exacerbating the old limited beliefs that keep you confined in your old lifestyle.

If you recognize what is happening, you can use this situation to examine your Breaking Points. The confrontation you may experience at this time can then help you to weave a strong mesh in the wounded areas of your energy field. By addressing the limited beliefs and releasing learned fears, you will be able to prevent the many energy leakages that have brought your energy frequency down. You will come out of this experience having transformed your Breaking Points into your strongest points.

On the other hand, give in to peer pressure, and you will begin to fade back into the life that you were trying to escape.

At this time it is especially important to maintain your new friends and allies. You need people who can vibrate at the higher frequency because they “lend you energy.” This means that they bring you into musical entrainment with their energy vibration, helping you generate a higher frequency and sustain it for longer periods of time.

This is an excerpt from

The Toxic Relationships Self-help Kit:

Love them, but LEAVE them



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Maria Mar is the Dream Alchemist, an inspirational poet, speaker, coach, author and spiritual teacher who helps women create the life of their dreams. Visit her at: Catch the Dream Express!

Obsession or manifestation?

Obsession or manifestation?

Sugandhi Iyer, master manifesting teacher

Sugandhi Iyer, master manifesting teacher

In this interview, artist-shaman Maria Mar, the Dream Alchemist,  interviews a Master of manifestation and spiritual teacher and healer, Sugandhi Iyer, to help you discover the difference between obsessing for what you want, and focusing on your goals with pure intent.


MARIA MAR

Sugandhi, you have stated that “Manifestation starts when obsession ends.” How does obsession block the flow of the Law of Attraction?

SUGANDHI IYER

Obsession indicates a state where the mind is captured by a subject matter to such a degree that it may exclude all else and cause discomfort.

The mind is like recording material and is also a processing tool. When it finds something fascinating, it keeps on chewing about it. When you obsess about something or someone, most times you are drawing attention away from the thing or person(s) that you should be spending your time on, and most times that something or person is ‘you’.

For example, some people develop a romantic obsession, and in extreme cases they forget to eat, sleep and take care of their own selves. This obsession is unhealthy because the time and energy could be spent developing yourself and other life areas. Every life area needs attention.

Many times such obsession may also block out the subject of the obsession itself, because the mind is spending time trying to hopelessly figure out how to get the subject of the obsession, and this gives out resultant vibrations of fear and lack, attracting more of the same back.

________________________

MARIA MAR

What is the difference between obsession, pure intent and single-pointed focus?

SUGANDHI IYER

Obsession is the compulsive preoccupation with an idea or something, and this preoccupation creates anxiety. Normally, obsession is accompanied by tones of impossibility.

Pure intent is when you have an intention to do or be something and you know that it is possible.

For example, you intend to treat yourself to a nice evening out this weekend. If you know you can be invited or take yourself out and do it, then it is a pure intent free of feelings of difficulty. You have an idea, and you carry it out. It is simple in your books and well within your ability to create or do. It actually makes you feel good just thinking about it, or anticipating it, knowing full well that it is possible.

Single pointed focus is your ability to give complete attention to something.

This is where you consciously decide to focus on something. This normally does not give rise to anxiety because it is within your control to defocus if you so choose.

For example, you may decide to go to the gym and work on your abs five days a week. You are focused and give this task your single pointed attention. Now if you decide you don’t want to do this, you can take your attention and focus off and turn it to something else. Like I said, this is within your control.

Obsession on the other hand, is normally not in your control and is dictated more by habits and patterns that have become set in your mind. You are not the master of your focus on the subject matter, but rather your subject matter captures your focus to an extent where your conscious mind no longer has much of a say. You don’t happily decide to do something here but are governed more by a fatal attraction.

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MARIA MAR

What are the most important steps a woman can take to free herself from obsession?

SUGANDHI IYER

If you need to temporarily develop resistance towards the subject matter of the obsession, then do it.

For example, if you like a man who you think is tall, dark and handsome, and you feel like you are overly obsessing about this man, find something in him that is “not so great”. Maybe he talks with a funny accent, or chews his food too loudly. Start to laugh thinking about it and allow your mind to become free. You can now actually enjoy this man, more as a normal man, and not the ‘icon’ that you think he is.

Meanwhile, build up your own self-worth. Empower yourself, and bring your focus back to you. Work out, read, sing, discover hidden talents, build on these talents, feel delighted with yourself and how you cook, walk, talk, smile and even clean your house! Focus on your job, volunteer and do some service, and realize how amazingly beautiful you are. Then find something in you, or in a hobby, or in your job, that is even more attractive to you, or at least attractive enough that it is able to capture your mind first for a few minutes, and then more and more.

As the subject of your obsession loses it charm and hold over you, and as you build yourself up in your mind, the subject of obsession may just turn around and notice how beautiful YOU are. This logic can be applied with anything, even an obsession with food, or anything else.

Find something in what you are obsessing about that will make you think “And I was obsessing about that, no way!”  But remember here that if you really like the person, then retain the liking and the love, and let go of the obsession part. You don’t have to get rid of someone or something in your attempt to be free of the obsession. You can continue to like and foster good feelings, but in a healthy way, and not in an obsessive way.

It also really helps to remember the people who really love you and care for your wellbeing, for example, your parents, your siblings, any children that you may have. Their happiness is vested in your happiness, and it would hurt them to see you get hurt. Think of these people and you will find the power to feel so much love for them that your obsession for the person or thing that is capturing your mind and giving you grief, will reduce.

Think of the Divine and feel love for the creation forces of this Universe. Let the Divine’s love fill you up and remove the void which is the main reason for the obsession.

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MARIA MAR

How does lack feed or create obsession and how can we avoid obsessing for the things we now lack but desire?

SUGANDHI IYER

The answer to this question can also be found above, but to add to it- lack gets the mind to keep thinking and figuring things out.

Until you get something, you will keep working at it. This is the nature of the mind. To let go of what you lack but still desire, find something that is not so great about what you desire. Also tell yourself “I understand that I don’t have what I want right now, but I may get it later on. Tomorrow is a whole new day and I am constantly getting aligned to what I want.”

Once your mind knows that it still has a chance to get what it wants, it will stop working so hard on this problem because it is no longer a problem. In the current moment of now, you may not have what you want, but the next moment is completely different.

Ask for what you want, feel good, and let it go. Defocus and work on something else that is important, you!

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MARIA MAR

Is it wrong to “try to make things happen”? Isn’t a laissez faire attitude really passivity?

SUGANDHI IYER

A bit of this and a bit of that is required. Sometimes you may need to let go, and let things happen on their own. And sometimes you may have to take some action. Your energy is always balancing itself and you will know what is required.

It also depends on your basic nature. If you are too soft and too laid back, then it is time to stand your ground and make things happen. But if you are a person who is always chasing things, then learn to be laid back and let things happen.

Sometimes inaction is the best action. It all depends on a case to case basis. Be prepared to use the appropriate skill and smarts required to handle situations, and to know the best route to take in each situation.

Yes, many times for people who are go-getters, the laissez faire attitude does seem like passivity. But if you know that something is yours, then lay back and allow it to come to you. If you feel however that you need to do something, some ground work, then do that, then step back and relax.

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MARIA MAR

What is the difference between letting go and letting God, aligning with Divine intent and passivity?

SUGANDHI IYER

Letting go happens when you feel that you have done all that you in the limited ability of your human mind and body can do, and doing anything else will only endanger the situation. You have more or less reached a wall, and so you ask God to take over. You let go and let God.

Aligning with Divine intent is releasing the situation so that ‘Divine will’ can happen. In letting go and letting God, you are still asking for a particular outcome, that which you in your human mind still want. In allowing or aligning with Divine intent, you are asking God to take over and do what HE/SHE wants for you.

In passivity, you are basically sitting still, not doing anything, not even letting go and asking God to do the job for you, nor asking that ‘Divine will’ be done.

Passivity indicates almost a non-movement and many times no will for anything really. It also comes from a feeling of failure and not even having enough interest in the subject matter for anything to happen. This non-interest may have come about because of seeing too much failure in that matter, or because of a genuine lack of interest.

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MARIA MAR

Why is it that the mind runs off into a non-stop thought process, trying to plan and control every little detail of what we want?

SUGHANDI IYER

It’s the mind’s job to do that. It is the physical aspect of the subtle soul energy.

The core of the soul energy is beyond all physical influence. The core of the soul does not care about anything as it is beyond everything.

But the mind is that part of the soul energy that deals with earth life. It is vested with the job of protecting and taking care of the physical acts of living. It also includes the intelligence which thinks and analyzes (you can think of the intellect as being part of, or separate, from the mind depending on how you want to view it).

So basically the only way to still the mind is to go into states of meditation, or to do something that brings you into the moment of now. At other times learn to ignore the mind’s voices, and retrain it to think about things that you like.

Example: A lot of artists who love music train their minds to think about lovely music and their mind plays wonderful tunes for their own entertainment. You can train your mind to play back that which entertains you. It is after all like recording material.

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MARIA MAR

How can we help the mind to let go?

SUGANDHI IYER

Some of this question is answered above. The key to getting the mind to let go is to meditate, breathe deeply, and to use logic that helps the mind understand why it should let go.

For example, if you are obsessed with someone and it is telling on your life force, you can get your mind to understand that its main concern should be your health, for instance. Now the mind is very concerned with your survival and so it will start to oblige you and think about taking you to the gym, run, dance, etc. Get your mind to understand why it should do something.

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MARIA MAR

What is the role of art and creativity in the process of manifestation?

SUGANDHI IYER

Such good questions! Art and being creative is what you are here for. This whole world is a work of art if you see it that way.

Creating is a work of art. As you create with love, you add the touches that add value to your creative work. For example, you want a job that pays your bills, now just like an artist add the details of that job- How will you feel as you perform your job? What kind of office would you like, what is the view that you will like to see outside your office window, how will your colleagues treat you? You are always in the process of creating and it is very artistic. This is one aspect of bringing art into your creation work.

The other aspect is how to use art to further your creations. Well, music is known to produce certain corresponding images and feelings in your mind, and this strengthens your vibrations for what you want.

You can listen to dance music and imagine you and your loved one dancing to glory. Or you can put up a picture of a cute baby and train your mind to start creating that beautiful baby in your life. I love music and use it for creating what I want. In fact, I sing and this adds so much color to my life.

Music and art can be used to uplift your mood and to bring in positive vibrations.

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MARIA MAR

What role does self-love play in helping us avoid obsession and passivity and create the life we want?

SUGANDHI IYER

If you cannot love yourself, the greatest of all works of art by the Divine, then you will want that love from someone else and it creates push and pull. Your happiness starts to depend on that other person (s) and this creates restlessness and anxiety in you.

When you love yourself, you are in total appreciation and gratitude of the life and body that the Divine has given you. As you respect yourself, the men or women in your life respect you and want you for the right reasons, and not the wrong ones.

The world respects you and they want to show you their respect and love. So love that chubby cheek, love that nose, love your teeth, your eyes, lips, and love everything that the Divine has given you.

First assumption you need to make is that- The Divine does not make mistakes. He created you with perfection in his mind. Okay so this world has certain concepts of what beauty is, but that is the overwhelming thoughts that this world has because of much propagated ideas of beauty. But if you see that each flower is beautiful and not every flower needs to look and smell like a rose (some have jasmine fragrance, etc.) then you will love yourself more and more.

Self love makes you feel contented and then from this space of contentment you can create amazing things in your life.

Just remember that if you don’t love yourself, you cannot expect others to love you. You are the first point of physical contact for your soul and then comes everything else. Your soul needs to love you first, and you need to love your soul first. Then take that love to the world and share your happiness. It will only increase for you.

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MARIA MAR

Thank you, Sugandhi, for these masterful teachings that are so clear as to appear simple, yet convey profound wisdom. I am confident that your answers here today will inspire our visitors and help them to release worry, fear and obsession, awaken instead their creative powers to manifest their dreams.

If our visitors want to learn more about your services, where should they go?

SUGANDHI IYER

Visit my website at:

http://www.lifebusinesscreations.com

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About Sugandhi Iyer

Sugandhi Iyer, master manifesting teacher

Sugandhi Iyer, master manifesting teacher

A Master of energy and consciousness, Sugandhi Iyer has put together an amazing system to get people to realize their dreams and change their experiences. She has studied the Law of Attraction and the nature of consciousness, and found that by working with the Universe, and with skillful thinking and action, energy can move in different ways getting a person closer to, and right into the reality he or she wants.

Sugandhi has mastered the Laws of Energy and Consciousness and has the amazing gift of being able to help people change their lives and realities as rapidly as they desire it. She works with healing modalities, like Angel Therapy, Hypnosis, Reiki, Pranic Healing, Neuro Linguistic Programming, practicing meditation and breathing exercises to empower you to live joyfully and manifest your dreams.

Her purpose is to help people strengthen their connection to Source and empower them to live life joyfully and move closer to, and then right into the reality that they want to experience in this wonderful journey called life.

Visit Sugandhi for more resources in your personal life or business, at:

http://www.lifebusinesscreations.com

I invite you to leave your questions and comments for Sugandhi here. Leave your prints and let her know how this has helped you.

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The Tao of Trees