Talk Crazy

Talk Crazy

Are you addicted to meaningless talk?

We have gone a bit Talk Crazy these days. Well, do be honest, it’s not just a bit. We have a full fledged new addiction: GadgetTalk. I simply call it the Talk Crazy addiction. It  has reached epidemic proportions. If you don’t believe me, look at people as you walk down the streets. Look around in the bus or waiting rooms. At least 5 out of 10 people are talking as they walk, drive or wait. At least this is the New York Experience.

This blog helps you to take a quick informal self-assessment test to find out if you are Talk Crazy, while giving you something to think about when you consider how you communicate.

Mind you, if you realize that you are Talk Crazy, this doesn’t mean that you are crazy! This is just an informal assessment and the term a humorous way at looking at our communication age.

If you score high in the Talk Crazy scale, it may mean however, that you need to find a more meaningful and balanced way to communicate, relate to others and above all, communicate with yourself.

The Self-assessment questions below help you to:

  • Find out if you are Talk Crazy
  • To what degree are you addicted to GadgetTalk or meaningless talk
  • Discover what aspects of communication you are neglecting
  • Discover how you can enrich your communication experience.

There are four types of points for the score.

  • T points
  • F points
  • I points
  • M points

They will be explained at the end.

SEGMENT A: Communication tools

How many of these you have?

  1. Cell phone or
  2. Email account (1)
  3. Social network- one
  4. Email account (more than 1)
  5. Voip Services (Like Skype)
  6. Blackberry
  7. Chat service
  8. Social network- up to 3
  9. Other document sharing, photo or video sharing services
  10. Social network- more than 3
  11. I access my social networks through my cellphone/blackberry
  12. Online community, memberships, clubs, etc.

SCORE:

  • One T-point for each checked from items 1-5.
  • Three T-points for each checked from items 6-8
  • Five T-points for each checked from items 9-12

Communication Tools

There is no good or bad when it comes to how many communication tools you use or possess. Only you know what your personal and professional needs are. If you are in business or in communications, marketing, security or public relations fields, you may need a high level of communication gadgets. High or low scores here are only the basis for further assessment.

There is however, one question you may ask yourself.

Do I really need all these gadgets?

Having a lot of gadgets and services does not necessarily enrich the quality of your life or of your communications. The next segments will help you assess if this is true. If it is, then they will also let you know what areas you are neglecting now and what you can do to enhance the quality of your communications, relationships and of your lifestyle.

SEGMENT B: Frequency

How much do you use each of these gadgets and services in any given day? Choose only ONE option, the one that is the closest to your experience.

  1. I use some of these once or twice a week, but not every day.
  2. I use my cell phone/blackberry less than 5 times a day and the rest of the gadgets about once or twice a week.
  3. I use my phone/blackberry around 10 times a day and at least two of the rest of the gadgets or services  once a day.
  4. I use my phone/blackberry around 20 times a day and at least three of the rest of the gadgets or services a minimum of three times a day.
  5. I am on one of these at least every hour.
  6. At any given time in any given day, I am using one or more of these gadgets and services to communicate.

SCORE:

  • One F-point for item 1
  • Two F-points for item 2
  • Three F-points of item 3
  • Four F-points for item 4
  • Five F-points for item 5
  • Six F-points for item 6

Frequency

Once again, there is no judgment about the frequency to which you use your communication gadgets, because only you know what you need personally and professionally. If you are in security or if you are a doctor, you may not be able to turn off your cell phone, for example.

On the other hand, you may be using your gadgets as tools of avoidance. The question you may want to ask is this:

Am I using my time, attention and energy effectively to enrich my life and attain my goals through my communications?

If your communication frequency is distracting you from using your time, attention and energy in ways that manifest your dreams, deepen your relationships and enhance your finances and your quality of life, then it is addictive or at least needs to be balanced.

Yes, but…. Are you communicating?

You have the tools and you use them more or less frequently, but are you communicating?

Here’s the catch. Communicating has two meanings. Here’s what the Encyclopedia of Public Health says about communication.

“Communication is the production and exchange of information and meaning by use of signs and symbols.”

This presents us with a challenge.  There are TWO different aspects of communication: information and meaning.

Let’s do another level of self-assessment to distinguish how you are using each of these aspects.

SEGMENT C: Information and Meaning

In a scale of 0-10, 0 being never and 10 always, how much do you communicate about any of the items below while communicating with any of the gadgets above? (Give yourself a score of 0-10 for each item.)

  1. What I am doing.
  2. What I did.
  3. What I plan to do.
  4. What just happened around me.
  5. News.
  6. Information about logistics: where, who, what, when, etc.
  7. Information about problems that need to be solved.
  8. What happened to someone else or what someone else did or say.
  9. About something I am hearing or reading (music, book, etc.)
  10. Venting reactive feelings, like anger, frustration, etc.
  11. Communicating my opinion on what is happening.
  12. How I am feeling about myself and my life.
  13. How I perceive the situations going on.
  14. The meaning that I perceive in this situation and how it affects my life.
  15. About the dreams, desires, goals and challenges that I am facing and how I feel about them.
  16. Sharing the beauty or blessings that I see around me or that I experience internally.
  17. Reflecting on the meaning or consequences of things that are happening in the world.
  18. Listening to the other person attentively, to be there for them.

SCORE:

  • One I-point for each item for scores of 1-4 in items 1-10
  • Three I-points for each item for scores of 6-10 for items 1-10
  • One M-point for each item for scores of 1-4 for items 11-18
  • Three M-points for each item for scores of 5-10 for items 11-18

Information to meaning ratio

If you are like most people, you scored high on items 1-10 and very low if at all in items 11 to 15. What this means is that you are using only the first definition of communication. You are exchanging information. But you are rarely sharing meaning.

This is, in part due to the nature of the new gadgets. They are used on the run, in public or in an unsecured medium.

But it has more to do with our own addictive society.

In this society we are not taught self-intimacy. We are not guided in the knowledge of how to process emotions. We are rarely given support or time to reflect on our lives. This creates an addictive society in which people are constantly doing, talking, focusing outwards and keeping busy as a means of avoiding their personal truth.

Now we have the perfect tools to exploit our Talk Crazy addictions. We can talk 24 hours a day every day. We can even talk while we sleep, thanks to scheduled emails and messages!

We can escape from ourselves by talking to others.

That is my definition of being Talk Crazy.

Are you Talk Crazy?

Here’s one last set of questions to get your score:

SEGMENT D: The Experience of Meaning

During each day, I take time to do any of the following:

  1. Meditate
  2. Commune with nature
  3. Just being
  4. Silence
  5. Reflect on my dreams and goals
  6. Receive and give thanks for my blessings
  7. Do some body awareness practice or discipline, like Yoga, Tai Chi, Chi Gong, Pranic Healing, etc. (Movement for body awareness and connection to the inner body, not to lose weight or stay fit.)
  8. Time to eat in peace and quiet.
  9. Creative time to paint, draw, listen to music, sing, dance, etc.
  10. Time to talk with a friend about our feelings and to share our deepest experiences or reflections.
  11. Write in a journal about life, my experience and my spirituality.
  12. Read to enhance my perception and understanding of experience.
  13. Seek or share inspiration.
  14. Write a poem or story to communicate what I’ve experienced.
  15. Send an email, letter or other communication sharing these experiences to my friends or list.

SCORE:

Three M-points for any item you select in this list.

The Experience of Meaning

It may sound strange to you that I talk about the experience of meaning. Isn’t meaning something you think about? That belief is at the core of our social addiction and the way it creeps out in our communication.

We are dissociated from the physical, sensual, soulful and spiritual experience of the meaning of our life. In this isolation, there is a sense of orphanhood, meaninglessness and vacuum that we then try to feel with activity, external actions and focus and by thinking and talking. We use talking as a mask that hides this existential black hole.

The cure for this Talk Crazy addiction as well as to all the other control addictions that mask our emptiness is precisely the experience of meaning. When we experience the meaning of our life, we heal. This experience requires the integration of:

  • Our body, our inner experience of our body (vs manipulating our body from the outside to fit into some mental ideal)
  • Our soul, our Unique Essence and its wisdom, its knowledge of our life purpose
  • Our emotional truth, felt authentically instead of used for drama, blaming, acting out or repressing our personal truth
  • Our spiritual and energy being as experienced in the vibration of our energy body and our higher wisdom.

This integration happens organically as we practice Conscious Living. The last segment of this self-assessment gives you the experiences of conscious living you need to begin healing your addiction or bring your Talk Crazy obsession into balance.

Let’s find out what your score is and what that means about your communication experience.

Add up all your points and gather them on this way:

SEGMENT A: Total of T-points

This is your score for Communication Tools. If it is high, then this means that you use a lot of communication tools. This is neither good nor bad, depending on the rest of the score. After all, you may NEED these tools. That’s why they exist, because they help us!

SEGMENT B: Total of F-points

This is your score for Frequency of use. If it is high, again, this only means that you use your communication tools very frequently. You may need to, so that by itself doesn’t make you TalkCrazy. You could consider if you really need to use them as much as you do. But the important factors are the Information to Meaning ratio and the Meaning Experience score below. These let you know if you are using your gadgets to engage in your addiction or if you are using them to convey your message to the world and facilitate a better life for yourself and your family.

SEGMENT C: Get your I/M ratio. This is your Information/Meaning ratio. To get this, add your I-points (information) and your M-points (meaning). Now divide your I-points by your M-points. That’s your I/M ratio.

For example:

30 I-points/10 M-points=30/10 ratio. This means that you may be communicating 3X more information than meaningful communication.

10 I-points/ 20 M points= 10/2o. This means that you may be communicating twice as much meaningful communication as you share information.

Depending on your purpose and expertise field, you may want to keep or to recalibrate this ratio. If you are in the business of facts and you got an disproportionately high Information ratio, you are doing fine. If, however, you are in business and you are using your gadgets and services to communicate and sale, you may be missing the point altogether. How are you making your prospects feel through the mood, emotions and knowledge that you consistently communicate? Are you addressing their dreams, needs and experiences? Addressing these issues will bring your meaning score up. If you communicate for personal purposes and you got a high information ratio, you may be in the habit of talking about facts and news to cover the void left by your lack of self-intimacy or of intimacy in your relations. Use segments C and D to improve this.

Total of M-points

Add your M points from Segment C and D. The results is your Meaning Index. This index conveys not only how meaningful your communication may be, but how you convey and experience meaning in your life.

Maximum score=69

If you score between 69 and 45, you may be communicating and experiencing meaning in a rich manner, including feelings, reflections, knowledge and experience.

If you score between 44 and 30, you are probably sharing enough meaning for your particular field or goal, though you may want to examine any area in which you can improve.

If you score between 29 and 20, you need to examine how to communicate more meaning, not just facts, in order to enrich your communication. Unless, of course, you are in the business of just facts.

If you score less than 20, examine carefully how you are living and communicating. Unless your job is to convey just facts, you may be engaging in GadgetTalk addiction as a means to escape your personal truth, avoid intimacy or as a learned limitation. Use Segments C and D as a guide to enrich both, your communication and the experience of meaning in your life.

Light and love,

Maria Mar

The Dream Alchemist

http://www.catchthedreamexpress.com

http://www.dreamalchemist.com

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About Maria Mar

Maria Mar is an author, speaker and ceremonialist poet. She is also a spiritual teacher and an internationally known shaman who helps you to break through the hidden interference to your success, to unleash your Greatness and manifest the life of your dreams. She offers books, digital products and coaching, art that heals and transforms as well as performances, speaking engagements and other live and online events to help you become the protagonist of your life and the creator of your destiny. Find out more at Catch the Dream Express.

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Relationships and Prosperity

Relationships and Prosperity

By Maria Mar(c)

Prosperity is deeply connected to relationships.

Prosperity is deeply connected to relationships.

Prosperity is deeply connected to relationships because wealth is created as the result of an exchange between people.

What did you learn to expect from strangers? Do you expect others to value you, to remunerate you justly and joyfully, and to trust you?

Or did you learn to expect betrayal, to be cheated or undervalued? Do you expect others to receive you or to reject you?

Carefully examine your expectations about relationships, and you will find the core of your issues with prosperity.

Shifting Beliefs

Here’s a journal writing exercise to help you. Print it and paste the copy in your journal, for easy following.

STEP 1: PREPARATION
Begin with sitting comfortably, your journal and pen in front of you. Breathe deeply and slowly, allowing the air to travel deep into your trunk, all the way down to your lower belly, and exhale as slowly as possible. Do this five times, each time releasing stress from your shoulders, back and face.

STEP 2: INTENTION
Say these words inwardly in your last inhalation, paying attention to each one. Then say them out loud in exhalation, again listening to the sound attentively.

“I welcome the truth of my emotions as guides to my freedom and prosperity. I intend to create new, free ways of connecting to others in the streams of affluence of life.”

STEP 3: EXPECTATIONS
Keep breathing slowly and deeply, allowing the breath to connect you to your body and feelings, as you answer the questions below.

“What do I expect from people, especially those who don’t know me?”

Make a list of a minimum of two and a maximum of five items. Keep the answers short and to the point. Leave ten spaces between each item.

EXAMPLES:

  • I expect people to judge me.
  • I expect people to see my flaws and find me deficient.
  • I expect potential clients to find my prices too high.
  • I expect people in network events not to be interested in me and to forget me.

STEP 4: BELIEFS

Come back to each item.  In breath, ask the second question.

“What belief creates this expectation?”

Write the answer below each item. Again, try to define the belief as simply and exactly as possible.

EXAMPLES:

  • Expectation: I expect people to judge me.
  • Belief: I am guilty of something bad and people will find me out.
  • Expectation: I expect people to see my flaws and find me deficient.
  • Belief: I am not good enough to be loved.
  • Expectation: I expect potential clients to find my prices too high.
  • Belief: People do not appreciate my true value.
  • Expectation:I expect people in network events not to be interested in me and to forget me.
  • Belief: I am not that special.

STEP 5: INHERITANCE

Breathing deeply and slowly, go back to each item and track down from whom and how did you learn this. It may be a family belief that has been passed on through generations verbally or non-verbally. It may be a class, race or cultural belief. It may also be a conclusion you made as a child observing your circumstances. Define the source of each expectation/belief without either blaming or excusing those involved, including you. Skip a line, and place your discovery on the third line below each item, like this:

  • Expectation:I expect people in network events not to be interested in me and to forget me.
  • Belief: I am not that special.
  • Source: My mom always said “Who do you think you are? You are not that special?” She meant to say that I was not above others, but there was also a hidden message that I did not deserve better than others. In my Inner Child’s heart, this voice resonates as “You are not that special.”

STEP 6: ACTIONS

Go back again to each item and recall one habitual action that you do in relationships that responds directly to this belief. Remember to breathe deeply and slowly and honor your emotions. Write the action in the fourth line under the item.

  • Expectation:I expect people in network events not to be interested in me and to forget me.
  • Belief: I am not that special.
  • Source: My mom always said “Who do you think you are? You are not that special?” She meant to say that I was not above others, but there was also a hidden message that I did not deserve better than others. In my Inner Child’s heart, this voice resonates as “You are not that special.”
  • Action: I forget to bring my business cards and I am always apologizing for not having them, that way I have an excuse for why they won’t call me.

STEP 7: FREE CHOICE

Examine the belief and decide whether you are ready and willing to release it.

Once you make the choice, close your eyes. Shift your perception of yourself to your Sacred Self, who is larger than your physical or ego self, and who is one with God.  See that small self with compassion and love. Allow a smile to come from within, as you realize the childlike mistake of these beliefs. From that place, inhale forgiveness and exhale release. Do these three times.

  • Inhale as you wrap yourself in forgiveness.
  • Exhale as you release the old beliefs.

STEP 8: NEW BELIEFS

write down a new belief to substitute each old belief. Skip a line. Write in caps the title “NEW BELIEF” and then write the new belief

It is a fact that there is no other human being like me. My fingerprints are unique. My DNA is unique. My personal history is unique and I am a unique, special and wonderful expression of divinity.

STEP 9: CONSCIOUS LIVING

During the next 30 days, observe yourself in relationships. Catch yourself doing the old actions and methodically shift to the new actions that reflect and nurture your new beliefs.

Remember that these beliefs were implanted in you very early on, when you did not have the experience or ability to discern. They have been embedded through years of practice. Be compassionate with yourself when you respond from the old beliefs, and kindly, but firmly repeat your new belief to yourself and keep choosing the new actions.

Celebrate when you respond from your new beliefs. Your subconscious is like a child. It responds to positive feedback. Focus on the times you do it right and never judge or belittle yourself when you respond from the old beliefs.

Your evolution is not a project. It is process. Patience with yourself nurtures your self-love.

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You can use this quote in ezines, web pages and other online media as long as you include my name and copyright mark and the paragraph below, with functional link:

Maria Mar is the Dream Alchemist, an inspirational speaker, ceremonialist poet, coach, author and spiritual teacher who helps women create the life of their dreams. Visit her at: Catch the Dream Express!

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Are you a toxic magnet?

Are you a Toxic Magnet?

By Maria Mar(c)2009

Excerpt from

Toxic Relationships: Love them, but LEAVE Them

Digital Self-help Kit and Home Study Course

Are you signaling toxic people that you are a willing prey?

The Toxic Relationships Self-help Kit

The Toxic Relationships Self-help Kit

Are you an unwilling, unconscious magnet for toxic people? If you often find yourself dealing with toxic people or if the effects of toxic encounters affect you more and for a longer time than they affect others, then you may be a Toxic Magnet.

Just because you have a couple of toxic relationships that need addressing or because you know some toxic people does not mean that you are a Toxic Magnet. Toxic people are everywhere. You are bound to meet a couple of every month, at least. Whether you hook up with them or not is another matter.

But if you often suffer from the anxiety, emotional torture and negative drama that toxic people generate, then you may want to examine if you are a Toxic Magnet.

This mini self-assessment is an excerpt from Toxic Relationships: Love them, but LEAVE Them, a digital Self-help Kit and Home Study Course that helps you understand, transform and release the toxic relationships in your life.

To establish your Primary Emotional Response Pattern, in the list below, check any feelings that arise from your toxic encounter. Address one encounter at a time.

SECTION A

___  I keep thinking that I’ve done something wrong and keep trying to come up with another way of responding, but everything fails.

___   I feel guilty when I tell the person how I feel or when I set limits.

___  I feel hurt and sad. I want the person to tell me that she loves me and accept me as I am.

SECTION B

___    I want to win. I want her to apologize and accept that she is wrong. I keep bring up evidence and arguments, but she won’t give in.

___    I feel trapped and frustrated. I can’t find a way to get a win-win solution. Everything I say is misinterpreted and I am at the end of my wit.

___    I wrap myself in patience and try to address each complaint. But the complaints never seize and it’s frustrating.

SECTION C

___    I feel that I am more mature and healthy than this person and should be able to address the situation in an effective way.

___    I allow the person to rant and rave or do her acting out. I feel like a mother waiting for a kid to finish a tantrum.

___    I speak to her as to a child, softly and calmly. I listen attentively and then ask questions.

SECTION D

___    I feel exhausted. I am drained of all energy. I feel unable to continue with this dynamic, and at the same time, I am scared of what she might do if I do not continue.

___    My overwhelming feeling is fear. Fear that I may be fired, that I will be judged, that I will be exposed or hurt. I feel intimidated.

___    I can’t find my voice. I want to scream or confront the person, but I get a lump in my throat.

SECTION E

___    I want to go away and avoid the whole thing because it causes too much anxiety.

___    I go away emotionally. I feel frozen or paralyzed or simply disappear and show up when it’s all over.

___    I am shocked. I can’t believe it. It all becomes a blur.

Look at the section that has the most checks. That’s your Primary Emotional Response Patterns.

Section A= Defective

Section B=Fixer

Section C=Saint

Section D=Follower

Section E=Sleepwalker

Types of Toxic Magnets

We humans are complex beings. Once you have dived into the infinite layers of the subconscious, you learn that we are as vast as all universes existing throughout eternity.

Therefore, the types that are presented in this self-assessment barely scratch the surface of your Toxic Magnet behaviors and beliefs. Furthermore, you will rarely fit only in one Toxic Magnet Type.

However, recognizing your Primary Emotional Responses allows you to spot how a specific toxic person or situation triggers a specific type of Toxic Magnet response in you. Since you cannot change the other, but you can change your responses, this information empowers you to change the responses that keep you hooked in the Toxic Dance.

Section A: The Defectives

If you checked a majority of items in Section A, you may respond to the Toxic Magnet Type called Defectives. The Defectives secretly feel defective, damaged, less than others or insufficient. They seek to gain value by giving, being good, serving others, placating or appeasing or by playing second best.

If you fit this profile, this does not mean that you ARE defective. It means that the Ugly Duckling is alive somewhere in your psyche, stealing the majestic Swan you truly are. This hooks you up with toxic people, who are big blamers. Their blaming triggers your secret feelings of not being enough and keeps you hooked in the Toxic Dance.

Section B: The Fixers

If you checked a majority of items in Section B, you may respond to the Toxic Magnet Type called Fixers. The Fixers need something or someone to fix in order to distract themselves from their own issues. They have inherited an emotional belief that they cannot be loved unless they give others what they want, unless they are needed, in control or perfect.

If you fit this profile, this does not automatically mean that you ARE a control freak and want to fix everyone ―though this may also be true. It means that when a toxic person complaints or blame others or a situation for their actions, you get hooked trying to solve the problem and that fixing obsession keeps you in the Toxic Dance.

Section C: The Followers

If you checked a majority of items in Section C, you may respond to the Toxic Magnet Type called Followers. The Followers learned to blend with the wall paper in order to avoid conflict or abuse. They focus on others to gain their support and avoid decisions, risks or responsibility. They are afraid to assume their power or leadership or to speak their truth.

If you fit this profile, this does not automatically mean that you ARE a coward who is easily bullied. It means that when a toxic person displays intimidating behavior, you may be unable to stand up to this person. You may freeze, lose your voice or give in to avoid conflicts. By giving in, you stay in the Toxic Dance.

Section D: The Saints

If you checked a majority of items in Section D, you may respond to the Toxic Magnet Type called Saints. The Saints believe that they have to sacrifice in order to deserve a place in the world. They also believe that to gain heaven or spiritual evolution, they need to sacrifice their own desires, happiness and sometimes even their wellbeing.

If you fit this profile, this does not automatically mean that you ARE a goody-two-shoes who can’t stand up for herself. It means that when a toxic person trespasses your personal boundaries, you are going to use inappropriate compassion to enable their inappropriate behavior. By sacrificing your personal needs and not prioritizing your own feelings and desires, you get pulled into the Toxic Dance

Section E: The Sleep-walkers

If you checked a majority of items in Section E, you may respond to the Toxic Magnet Type called Sleep-Walker. The Sleep-Walkers “go away” at the least sign of danger, confrontation or risk. They may do this by disconnecting emotionally or mentally from the situation, literally leaving, “switching off” or using an addictive behavior or substance.

If you fit this profile, this does not automatically mean that you ARE Sleeping Beauty personified ―though you should track down how pervasive this reaction is in your life. It means that when a toxic person discharges their toxic energy or creates conflicts, you will not be able to take effective action because you will fall into the sleeping trance, which keeps you in the Toxic Dance.

I hope that in recognizing the role you may play in attracting, hooking up with or allowing the toxic behavior, you have realized to what measure you may be a Toxic Magnet.

In the measure in which you avoid your responsibility and are afraid of assuming your Personal Power, in that measure you become a Toxic Magnet.

In the measure in which you are not willing to see what you see, in which you avoid the truth and try to change, appease or follow others to avoid confrontation, in that same measure your become a Toxic Magnet.

In the measure in which you see what you see, take responsibility for your choices and assume your Personal Power, in that same measure you signal to toxic people that you are not prey.

In the measure in which you honor your truth, release control over others and stand as your self-authority, in that same measure you are free from the hooks and attachments that keep people in the Toxic Dance.

The END

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You can use this article in ezines, web pages and other online media as long as you include my name and copyright mark and the paragraph below, with functional link:

Maria Mar(c)2009. Maria Mar is a writer, inspirational speaker and poet, a spiritual teacher and an internationally known shaman. Maria helps people understand and release toxic relationships in the Toxic
Relationships: Love them, but LEAVE Them
Digital Self-help Kit and Home Study Course


Why Toxic People don’t like your Personal Boundaries

Why Toxic People

don’t like your Personal Boundaries

By Maria Mar(c)

This post is a response to one of the questions asked in the Toxic Relationships Survey that I posted in Polldaddy.

You asked the following question:

Why do some people have such difficult time accepting and respecting boundaries that other people put in place? Why do they take it personally?

The Toxic Relationships Self-help Kit

The Toxic Relationships Self-help Kit

Like everything else that relates to humans, there is no generic answer to this question. Toxic People come in several varieties. This means that there are, at least, half a dozen answers to this question. I will discuss three here. For more information, you can check the Toxic Relationships Self-help Kit.

Comfort Dwellers

These people ―who can be toxic, or not― know and accept only what is comfortable and safe for them, which means that

  • It’s habitual,
  • It’s part of their inherited beliefs and worldview, or
  • It’s accepted by the mass trance, which is their only vision of reality.

If your personal limits go beyond any of these familiar parameters, the Comfort Dwellers will find them alien, unreasonable and yes, they make take it as a personal insult or rejection. At the very least, they will take your limits as a personal extravagance that you are asking them to endure.

Since Comfort Dwellers understand safety and comfort, present your personal boundaries as the parameters where you feel safe and comfortable and ask them to support you. If they are not toxic, they will. If they are toxic, their response will have to do with whether that particular boundary you raise activates their Toxic Field or not. If it does, they will discharge their poison. It’s up to you to not take it personally or distance yourself appropriately.

Terrified Tweeters

If you read the sample chapter in the Toxic Relationships Self-help Kit, you know that the Terrified Tweeters are people who are living in fear. To cover up or address this fear, they stay safely within the Walls of Expectations that they have inherited or built. This means that:

  • They haven’t questioned their inherited beliefs and are trapped in a normalcy script that they call “reality,”
  • They have not questioned their own personal myths about themselves because they have not given themselves enough attention,
  • They are terrified of looking beneath the lies and illusions of their dysfunctional family of origin to see the truth, or
  • They will do anything to avoid pain, which has lead to the betrayal of their True Self and their Personal Dream.

To some Terrified Tweeters, your personal boundaries feel like stabs in the heart. Why? Because they have not dared to set their own boundaries. Why? Because they have not dared to take the time to know themselves, love themselves or establish their unique experience. To other Terrified Tweeters, your boundaries seem selfish, rude or a rejection. These tweeters are trapped in social scripts and have betrayed their own uniqueness. Your insistence on being yourself triggers their Toxic Fields, and they feel compelled to discharge their toxic emotions.

Since Terrified Tweeters live in fear, anything that you can do to assure them that you love and accept them and that you are not asking them to do what you do will help alleviate their fear. Keep those boundaries clear, however. There may be a need to distance yourself in those activities or areas that trigger their Toxic Fields. The good news is that once your Personal Dream is manifested and your goals achieved, some Terrified Tweeters may in fact, seek you out to learn how to accomplish their own dreams with the least amount of pain. Others, however, will escalate their toxic discharge because you have now grown from a vague threat to a successful threat to their status quo.

Darth Vaders

Though the Darth Vaders also come in different varieties, they are either

  • Conscious of your personal rights and needs, but unwilling to honor them, or
  • So submerged in their own darkness or misery that they enjoy taunting you as a way of feeding their Shadows.

As far as toxic people come, the Darth Vaders are the least common variety and the easiest to detect. They are also the most deadly. What would you do if you saw a vampire? Make that boundary as impenetrable a shield as the cross is to vampires, and run as far as your legs take you!

Ultimately, your personal boundaries are there to serve you. As we are all one, however, in serving you, your personal boundaries should also help others. At the least, they should improve your relationship with those that can vibrate at your own frequency.

Raise your personal limits with love and respect to others. That is all you can do. Those who cannot accept them are trapped in their own limitations. If they take it personally, don’t make the same mistake. Don’t take their response personally. Release them to their personal choices and detach from their personal limits.

When you release people to their choices, miraculous things happen. Sometimes, that’s all that is needed for them to come around.

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Light and love,

Maria Mar

The Dream Alchemist

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Maria Mar is the Dream Alchemist, an inspirational poet, speaker, coach, author and spiritual teacher who helps women create the life of their dreams. Visit her at: Catch the Dream Express!

Peer pressure and toxic relationships

Peer Pressure

and Toxic Relationships

Excerpt from


The Toxic Relationship Self-help Kit:


Love them, but LEAVE them

By Maria Mar(c)2009

Terrified Tweeter jumped from
branch to branch, tweeting as hard as she could. Her friends, scared of the
terrible danger that the small bird announced, stayed safely at a distance.

They admired Tweeter’s courage. Such a tiny bird, staying on the same tree
as that mean predator, Haughty Hawk. What courage! Small as she was,
Terrified Tweeter was relentless. Her tweets were so loud that her whole
body shook with their resonance.

Meanwhile Hawk sat on a steady
branch at the other side of the Ancient Tree, meditating. But it was hard to
meditate with all the racket that the tiny bird was creating. Haughty Hawk
was annoyed. Why was the bird so scared now, when they had co-existed
peacefully for years?

“I thought she was my friend,”

Haughty Hawk reflected. “Go figure these tiny tweeters. They are always
scared.”

Haughty Hawk had also been
scared as it grew up in the noisy city, with the Two-legged predators so
nearby. But now that she was meditating and learning the Ways of the
Warrior, she had chosen to live without fear. She had learned to empty her
mind and visualize her desires, and she had grown strong and confident.

But the more confident Haughty
Hawk grew, the louder Terrified Tweetie squeaked each time Hawk came close.
She had managed to scare all the other birds, who disappeared the minute
Haughty Hawk perched in any of the Ancient Trees around.

Haughty Hawk began to feel more
than resentful. She became angry.

“Perhaps I should give her
reason to tweet,” Haughty Hawk considered, her trained eye gauging the
distance between the scared bird and her branch. In a split second, she
could have the naughty bird in her beak, and she could then meditate in
silence.

Haughty Hawk caught herself in
her fantasies of revenge and released her toxic feelings with a sigh. She
dived her Inner Eye deep into her heart. There she saw and felt the
pain that her new loneliness inflicted. She was sad that her tiny friends
would distrust her after all this time.

Haughty Hawk remembered when
she had caught them murmuring behind her back.

“She says that she is
harnessing power,” they nervously tweeted.

“What could she possibly want
to do with all that power, except eat us all?” they squeaked.

Haughty Hawk smiled sadly. She
remembered when she, too was scared of the great Eagle, the large Hunter
Hawks and the daring Crows. She had felt so small that she had not
understood her own power. She had, like her tiny friends, thought of power
only as a threat, not something she held inside for her own fulfillment.

“Oh, well, tweets will be
tweets!” Hawk finally said to herself. “And I am a Master Warrior.”

She gracefully flew to a near
lamppost and began her concentration again. She was visualizing one of the
fat rats that were coming out of the ground during the construction that the
Two-Legged were doing in the street below.

But Terrified Tweeter didn’t
get it. She still tweeted as if her feathers had caught fire. Nothing
stirred among the Ancient Trees. Nothing moved in miles around. The scared
tweet was doing a great job of scaring all possible prey.

As I looked at this scene, the
beautiful white spotted hawk flew towards a distant tree. I couldn’t get my
eyes off her majestic, silent flight. Still terrified, the small tweeter
squeaked behind my back.

As you read the fable above, were you immediately sympathetic with the small bird, seeing her as the hero and hawk as the bad guy? That is our collective tendency. We instinctively seek justice. But we cannot make true justice if we confuse power with dominance. For if we do, we will be manipulated by those who play the victim and we will repel and punish those who stand in their power. This confusion is at the heart of toxic relationships.

Power as defined by our patriarchal system, is control and dominance. But that is only an illusion of power. When we believe this illusion, we reject power. When we reject power, we align ourselves with helplessness. We make those with personal power our enemies. We repel mentors, teachers and those friends and peers who assume their power. In other words, we become toxic to those who seek freedom, joy and growth.

When we align ourselves with powerlessness, we are afraid to speak with our voice of authority. We place an interrogation mark at the end of our declarations and beat around the bush to speak our truth. We constrict our bodies and our voices. We dream tiny and stay safely perched in our Comfort Zone.

If you have courageously stepped out of that Comfort Zone, you may
unknowingly be facing peer pressure.

We tell our children not to give in to peer pressure. But many adults are clueless as to the level of peer pressure they carry on their Psychic
Shoulders
. As a result, they give in to peer pressure, betraying their
Personal Dreams and their spiritual growth.

Children and teens are more direct on their peer pressure tactics. They may result to insults or name-calling. Adults are more subtle. Friends will distance themselves. Peers will murmur behind your back. Family members will close ranks and mount a campaign to wear or break you down. Because they know you well, they know your Breaking Points. They will go for these weak areas in your psyche. This emotional and psychic attack that can undermine your motivation and your energy level.

When you feel that the people you love resist your growth or sabotage your dreams you feel sad, betrayed, resentful, revengeful, angry and lonely. If you are afraid of confrontation and used to the lies of the dysfunctional family, you may join their betrayal by excusing their behavior and going back to your learned limits of perception.

Is it a wonder, then, that many of us go back on our personal growth and give up on our dreams?

If you dream big, you are big. Once you acknowledge your personal power and reclaim your personal authority, you soon find yourself among the Majestic Swans, the Great Eagles, the Master Hunter Hawks and Daring Crows.

Those whom you left behind will tweet loudly and persistently.

“Change back! Change back!” they will squeak.

Perhaps they will not be as raucous as Terrified Tweeter. Perhaps they will give you the silent treatment or the cold shoulder.

What will you do then? What have you done?

Have you given up on your new friends? Have you given up on your new dreams? Have you drowned your desires deep inside yourself? Have you gone back to the humdrum of a life without passion?

It is important for you to recognize the peer pressure tactics of the adults around you. Find the best way to address the fears of your family and peers. If it is possible, bring them into the open. If not, give them special love and attention to ensure them that you still love them and they have nothing to fear.

You also need to recognize your sadness and allow yourself to grieve for your past life. These are growing pains. Every woman and man who has achieved something great ―whether a new discovery that changed humanity or a state of personal fulfillment― has gone through these growing pains. Use the Time Traveling Exercise at the end of this chapter to address your growing pains.

Be firm, however, in your new boundaries, dreams and lifestyle. Above all, do not allow the fear of those in your past to bring down your vibration.

Big dreams require a high vibrational level. The changes you are making in your life are changing your vibrational frequency, so that you can tolerate a higher vibration and can manifest and live in your dream.

Those who cannot tolerate the high vibrational frequency of freedom,
courage, confidence, power, joy and passion may squeak warning signals to you. They may project their own fears or limiting beliefs. They will poke your Breaking Points, exacerbating the old limited beliefs that keep you confined in your old lifestyle.

If you recognize what is happening, you can use this situation to examine your Breaking Points. The confrontation you may experience at this time can then help you to weave a strong mesh in the wounded areas of your energy field. By addressing the limited beliefs and releasing learned fears, you will be able to prevent the many energy leakages that have brought your energy frequency down. You will come out of this experience having transformed your Breaking Points into your strongest points.

On the other hand, give in to peer pressure, and you will begin to fade back into the life that you were trying to escape.

At this time it is especially important to maintain your new friends and allies. You need people who can vibrate at the higher frequency because they “lend you energy.” This means that they bring you into musical entrainment with their energy vibration, helping you generate a higher frequency and sustain it for longer periods of time.

This is an excerpt from

The Toxic Relationships Self-help Kit:

Love them, but LEAVE them



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Maria Mar is the Dream Alchemist, an inspirational poet, speaker, coach, author and spiritual teacher who helps women create the life of their dreams. Visit her at: Catch the Dream Express!

Love them, but leave them

Love them, but leave them

Releasing those who keep you trapped in the old world

Art by Maria Mar(c)2000

Art by Maria Mar(c)2000

Today I am writing about a painful subject. It is not easy to release habits. But when you realize that a friend you love, or an old client to whom you have dedicated lots of time, is keeping you spinning in old, harmful habits. What do you do?

I am talking about those moments in life when you have crossed the threshold into a new world. You left dysfunctional habits behind. You stepped into your dream. You released the thoughts and responses that were keeping you from being happy and fulfilling your potential.

You are now your dream, or closer to it than ever. In this new world, you feel the Essence of who you are. You are strong in your faith. You are nurturing your dream every day. You are sustaining your Dream Discipline, dedicating time and space to yourself and your dream. You have given yourself permission to be happy.

Many of the people who love you have understood that you changed. They have supported you in your dreams. They have been able to adapt to your new dynamics. By you changing your set of beliefs, thoughts and attitudes, your relationship with most people around you has improved greatly.

But there is this friend…

There is still this old client…

There are sometimes those who refuse to change because they are the slaves of the Dog of Habit. They allow the Dog of Habit to piss all over you and themselves. They chose not to change.

There are those who danced well with you when you did not set limits, when you caretook them in their every whim, when you kept giving when they were not receiving.

But the minute you set limits, stop caretaking and stand in your value, these people begin to escalate their old, dysfunctional behavior. This is their way of exerting control in a life that feels out of control. Your change feels to them as if they are losing control. They cannot honor your new dynamics. Basically, they do not fit in your new world.

What then?

People are not like a dress that you can take off. Love is not a habit that you can simply release, is it?

Well, sometimes it is.

We believe that friends are forever. This is not true. Love may be forever, but a friend may not. The love you have for a person, if it is true, if it has to do with their Essence, is eternal.

But what happens when that person herself does not honor her own Essence? Can you love her for the beauty of her soul when she is betraying that soul trying to control and manipulate others? When he is dishonoring that soul by being unfaithful or by being insensitive to others?

My answer is this. Love them, but leave them.

If you do not release these people in a good way, out of love, when there is still the possibility of simply moving away gently ~you may come to the point of a serious clash. Then you will have to leave in the middle of a fight or in a bitter way.

When someone you love is toxic to you, you need to release this person as an act of love for yourself and for him or her.

By toxic, I do not mean that they are finding it difficult to deal with your change. That’s normal. I don’t mean that they “make you” feel this or that way. No one “makes” you feel. That is giving your power away. If this is the case, assume the responsibility for your feelings, attitudes and responses.

What I mean by toxic is that they are not willing to respect your limits. Toxic to you are friends who repeatedly dishonor or betray you. Toxic are friends who play mind games. Toxic are people who are unwilling or unable to see how their acts affect others, how they are affecting you. Toxic people are blamers. They always have an excuse and a finger pointing somewhere else. There is no way that you can come to terms with people like that. You will be trying forever. Toxic are those who take, but do not receive. Toxic are those who take, but do not give.

Toxic people take you for granted. Their actions (and sometimes even their words) consistently reveal that they not value you. They put you down with words or actions. They make you invisible. They refuse to name the beauty and love you bring into their lives.

Toxic friends trample on your faith and speak only cynical words that take away all the magic and goodness in life.

Toxic friends may be charmers, but they cannot commit to love, to you or to their own words. These toxic friends do not know what they want. They keep asking for your help, only to drop the entire project the minute you committed your contacts or time to their support. You end up exhausted and your reputation is damaged with these toxic friends.

Toxic are people who begin a full-fledge war against your happiness, who do everything they can to bring you back to a place of suffering, so that you stay with them in their misery.

Toxic clients are those who keep asking for more and take everything, but do not RECEIVE it. Because they are not allowing the love in what you give to touch them, they do not FEEL the value of it. As a result, they always want more and nothing is enough. They do not value the gifts because in their emotional world, they have not let the gift in.

They do not trust or value your expertise. Because they do not value themselves, they distrust the value of anyone associated with them. Once they hire you, they do not value you. They will ask for others’ opinions and act on those opinions, even if these other people are not experts. They will not follow your counsel and when their actions lead them to failure, they will fail to see that it was not your counsel, but their stupidity that lead them to that end.

Toxic clients haggle about the price of your service. They pay late and come up with excuses. They do not do their work and then complain that your service is not working. They give you the materials late and procrastinate, so that you cannot fulfill your contract with them. Then they come back after the contract date is over and want you to be their time slave and keep on working for them.

It is hard to understand how saying goodbye can be an act of love. But if your love for another is betraying your love for yourself, then it will soon become poison, not love. The only loving thing to do is leave.

Most of us hold on to toxic love because we are afraid to be alone. We are afraid to be rejected. We are afraid to go out into a world full of strangers. Will we make new friends? Will they love us? So we stay in toxic relationships.

If you are facing such a relationship now, use the descriptions in this blog to evaluate it. Is this friend or client toxic? Is your love or loyalty for this person running against your loyalty and love for yourself?

If the answer is yes, love them, but leave them.

The Toxic Relationships Self-help Kit

The Toxic Relationships Self-help Kit

Yes, I know it’s easier said than done. I’m not going to lie to you that it is easy. That’s why I am creating the Toxic Relations Self-help Kit to answer all your questions. You can pre-order it by clicking here. You can also take 2 minutes and contribute your voice and experience to the kit by answering the Toxic Relations survey (and get a $5 discount if you purchase.)

I see people running away from pain all the time. Most people do. They stay in miserable jobs, abusive relationships, diminishing friendships and tiny existential rooms… all because they are afraid of the pain they will experience if they choose to change. As a consequence, they experience a long, self-destructive, hard pain that increases as time goes by and eventually becomes disease, depression and despair. Running away from pain leads you directly towards harder, longer pain. Compare to that, the pain of change is but a fraction, and then freedom follows.

You are an atom in the divine body. You are a gift to the world. You’ve worked so hard to learn, heal and build a good live. Love yourself enough to walk away from that which diminishes you.

No one deserves that you betray your soul, your happiness and your potential. No one deserves that you go back to your old world, becoming a ghost just for them. That option is not love. It is not love for them. And it is certainly not love for yourself.

Maria Mar(c)

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DO NOT copy this article. If you want to use this article for your blog or ezine, please contact Maria Mar. The duplication quota for this article online has been reached. Email Maria for a re-make.

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Maria Mar is the Dream Alchemist, an inspirational speaker, poet, coach, author and spiritual teacher who helps women create the life of their dreams. Visit her at: Catch the Dream Express!

RESOURCES:

This is a good article by Guy Finley. It shows you how to recognize 4 types of toxic people.

http://stason.org/articles/life/self-growth/Stay-Away-From-These-Four-Types-of-Toxic-People.html

For more information, visit Guy at:

http://www.guyfinley.com

The Toxic Relationship Self-help Kit: Love them, but leave them.